[Me and My Lists] Part 1: The List That Was

June 24, 2010

The Revised Future Husband Checklist

  • Mature Christian, in word and deed.  He must be more mature than I am.
  • Loves children (but doesn’t want a lot) and is comfortable showing affection to them.
  • Loves to laugh–is relaxed with himself and knows when to be serious and when to take it easy.
  • Someone I can instinctively trust and submit to, no questions (well, minimum questions) asked–someone I can look up to.
  • …But someone I can debate with on the rare occasion I feel like debating a point.
  • Not unduly talkative, but warm and knows how to open up and keep a friendly conversation.
  • Good listener.
  • Respects my sensibilities and shares most of my convictions re: dating, marriage, and purity. (e.g. “saving my first kiss”)
  • Intelligent, but not a show-off and does not go out of his way to flaunt his “beautiful mind.”  (He has to be as intelligent as me, and must love “leisurely researching” as much as I do.)
  • Artistically inclined, but not temperamental.  Calm and steadying.
  • Makes me laugh.  Can put me at ease.  I have to be able to just sit with him and feel comfortable not talking.
  • Has to enjoy reading (not necessarily to a voracious extent–just enough for me to show stories to, who can critique them).
  • Knows how to blend enough wit into a compliment so it’s not saccharine-sweet.  (I like my sweets with a bit of bite.)
  • Diligent, but knows when to be at leisure and when to relax.  Makes good use of his time.
  • Isn’t intimidated by me but ready to stand up to me and match wits.
  • Knows when I need to “mother” him a little, but understands that I’ll need him to be my protector–and lets me know (w/o being overbearing) that he will be there.
  • Five to ten years older than me, or equivalently more mature than I am.  (But, and I cannot stress this enough, knows when to goof off and crack jokes like a kid…with a certain dignity, of course.)
  • (Goes without saying.) Handsome, and/or has a charm to his face.  Possesses both a “sexy” smile (smirk?) and a charming little-boy grin.  A face I’d love to sketch over and over again.
  • Ditto for sexy voice.  Deep, but not menacingly so.  Has clear enunciation and does not mumble almost-to-himself.
    Charming, friendly, and open in the sense of having no qualms introducing himself to my parents and friends.
  • 5’10” to 6’0”. (This is my mom’s requirement.)
  • (negotiable, but I tend towards this) Fair to mildly tanned.
  • Clean-cut but not boring.  Boy-next-door with a slight rocker edge.  Hair not so long that it flops everywhere.  If his hair is wavy, may be slightly long, but hitting the collar at most.  [after which, I gave a detailed list of “pegs”]
  • Fashion sense: clean-cut but slightly rumpled.  Dresses well, but not uptight.  May wear boardshorts but not often.  Laid back but looks put together. And NO super-skinny jeans or I retch.
  • NOT a videogame addict.  Prefers reading or more productive activities to gaming. (Not necessarily not a gamer–just balances it out with other more substantial pursuits.)
  • Loves music, and not screamo metal ow-my-ears-they-bleed.  Good, solid taste.
  • Can sing.  Not necessarily super-well, but good.
  • Knows what “risqué,” “saccharine,” “dishevelled,” and “nauseated” mean. (good grasp of vocab)
  • Likes theater.  Doesn’t necessarily “love” it but can put up with late-night rehearsals and me dragging him to watch shows.
  • Not judgemental.  Exercises tolerance and is accepting of people. (Doesn’t mean he can’t find people annoying.)
  • Someone I will never be afraid isn’t telling me something straight–if I’m acting ridiculous, I will never have to doubt that he will tell me…gently but firmly.
  • Understands that sometimes I’ll need to be told I’m beautiful.
  • Virgin until marriage.  Does not have to wear a purity ring, but I won’t mind that little accessory.  PDA kept to hugs and arm-over-shoulders, and cheek-kiss or forehead-kiss on “special occasions.”
  • (really negotiable) ring size 7.
  • Photogenic. (semi-negotiable.  People have…angles.)
  • Build: average.  Not scrawny, but not fat either.  Well-built but not buff.  Legs and arms toned but not overly muscular.  Chest and shoulders defined but I don’t need a six pack (four-pack is fine?).
  • Looks: regal.  (I tend to fall for guys with a hint of regal looks, generally.)  Strong jaw, well-shaped cheeks…that echo of royalty in his look, no matter how open and boyish his face.  For the record, he can’t look too boyish as my looks are very heavily regal and so I may end up looking older.
  • Not jealous or possessive or clingy, but knows that I feel love expressed through time.
  • Is confident.  Can admit he doesn’t know something.
  • (negotiable but preferable) Has brother and sister or sisters.
  • Good relationship with his parents.  Loves his mother and honors her.  (Not a mama’s boy, though.)  If he has sisters, treats them well.
  • Strong but not overwhelming personality.
  • Not theatric, but knows how to “play.”
  • Slightly ambitious in the sense that he sets goals for himself and does not laze around…
  • But is not status-conscious or a social climber.
  • Comfortable or well-off.  (I’m not a gold-digger, and I’m not pricey, but he has to be able to afford being married to a woman who may choose to only work part-time and devote herself to her kids.)
  • Speaks fluent, well-accented English and serviceable Filipino.  Fair grasp of both Hokkien and Mandarin.
  • (Negotiable) Knows French, Spanish, or Italian/Tuscan. (Coz I’m learning French!)
  • Can cook (not a chef, but knows how to make something other than instant noodles).
  • Willing to help out around the house if he needs to.
  • Responsible.  Can handle money.  (Please teach your slightly spendthrift future wife!)
  • Likes dogs and cats.  Will not freak out at the sight of kittens.
  • Down-to-earth and well-rounded.
  • Practical romantic.
  • A leader.
  • Someone who will love me, warts and all (hopefully I never get warts, though), but will love God more.  He will stand as an example of a man of God to those around him, and will live a life of…uh…L.I.F.E. 😛


I was seventeen.  I had just entered my second year of university.  I was single, but thought of myself as “in love” with a Chinese boy (my mother rejoiced) from my summer theater group.

I was young.  Very young.  I didn’t understand a lot of things about love and relationships.  I still assumed most unmarried people were virgins.  I still had a ton of rules on how to interact with boys, though I was slowly learning to bend them as I got to know more boys.

I still thought that making a list of what you wanted in a future husband was a good idea.

(Stay tuned for part 2)



[How To Grow Up] Learning By Example: A young woman’s reflections on her mentor’s ten years of marriage.

This will be quick (I hope), because I have finish a deck and send it off before midnight because I have an early-morning photoshoot tomorrow, but more on that some other time.

Last Friday, my discipler, May De Jesus-Palacpac (or “Miss May,” as I call her–it’s sort of a Filipino honorific to refer to a young woman in authority as ‘Miss’, regardless of marital status) of Fully Housewifed, celebrated the anniversary of her marriage to Jay Palacpac (Sir Jay–no, he hasn’t been knighted; again, Filipino honorific), our Team Leader (Overall Coordinator? I AM REALLY BAD WITH TITLES, ACK.) in the Kids Ministry Music Team.  They have been married ten years now (a decade!  The first number of years that gets a special name!), and have three sons: Pablo, Judah, and Lukas.  As Miss May’s disciple and one of Sir Jay’s volunteers, I’ve been very privileged to be a part, however small, in the lives of this God-fearing family, and it’s been an experience that has required some reflection.

I met Miss May last year, while I was going through a spiritual crisis which led me to contemplate permanently exiting the Kids Music Ministry.  Sir Jay referred me to a regular Bible Study held by Miss May with the other women worship leaders in Kids Ministry, and after attending one session, I had a one-on-one session with Miss May which led to me becoming her disciple.  We were soon joined by my best friend, Esther, and the three of us make a gregarious, words- and music-loving trio that meet weekly at–where else?–Fully Booked.

What amazes me most about my current group is how much we all understand each other, and, on a more personal note, how much Miss May understands me, to the point that even when I am agitated and communicating in what I must admit is a distinctly disrespectful tone–I’m not completely over that “spiritual crisis,” to be honest–she is firm, but very patient with me, and consistently reminds me that she values my friendship, that she likes me.  We’re also rather similar in personality, beyond the obvious links of being ambiverted, digital-native writers-slash-singers-slash-hungry learners with a habit of chronicling thoughts for the internet.  And I suppose it is that fact that makes seeing her relationship with Sir Jay a personal blessing for me, because it’s an object lesson in what navigating a Godly marriage could be like, for someone with my similar “quirks.”

(Though, to be honest, I must confess myself significantly more quirk-laden than my mentor.  Miss May has learned to submit to, and walk with, God, while I have not completely yet, and have all the rough edges to prove it.)

Having just turned twenty-one this month, I’ve been thinking a lot about the world of “adults.”  Arguably, I was an adult at eighteen, but there is something about being the big 2-1 that brings the reality of maturity–or learning to mature, in my case–closer to home.  And while perhaps it is too early to think about marriage–I’m still trying to launch a career, for crying out loud!–a part of me has felt that prayerfully considering what it means to be married is somehow an essential part in knowing what it means to be mature.

Of course, this is all totally foreign territory for me.  Boy-girl relationships are completely different from man-woman ones, and I am ignorant of both, having been single since birth.  A firm believer in courtship versus the “just-for-kicks, let’s-have-fun” atmosphere of worldly dating, my personal conviction, to be honest, has been to not consider getting into a relationship until I am open to thinking about marriage–not necessarily as an immediate concern, but at least as a long-term certainty; a “strategic direction,” if you will.  I realize this is a prospect that sounds absolutely cray-cray to people my age (honestly, it scares me out of my wits too), specifically boys my age, which is why I’m plenty sure that, at least for the foreseeable future, I am going to be single (and rightfully so, because I am in no fit state to be in a relationship right now, what with my…issues).

But despite the fact that relationships, and by extension marriage, are kind-of far off right now, occasionally I’ve had cause to reflect on the concept of it, of what it would be like for me to be committed to someone.  Some of that contemplation has been the little-girl fantasy stuff: what the wedding will be like, what the wedding AVP will be like (today I picked the song for it: the live version of Coldplay‘s “Yellow”), how many kids we’ll have, what their names might be.  Some of it, though, has been the more serious stuff: What would it be like to be a wife?  A mother?  To have to submit to a husband?  Parent a child?  How would we handle the finances, our kids’ wants, our own wants and needs?  What about our respective dreams?  How will I manage submitting as a wife if he asks me to do something I think is unreasonable?  What will he be like as a father?  

In an ordinary circumstance, these questions are big and scary all by themselves, but they are a bit scarier for me because I did not grow up in a family with a functional marriage.  I’m the product of a broken home–my mum and dad legally separated when I was four and the marriage was annulled when I was thirteen–and while my mother has been an excellent example of what it means to be a Godly woman and mother, and a great counselor even when it comes to questions about what it means to be a Christian wife…it’s one thing to have someone who can tell me, and quite another to witness things firsthand.  I do not have an insider look at a marriage upon which I can base my “analysis.”  Also, to be very honest, the failure of my parents’ marriage has made me worry about the potential state of my own: not only have I had it impressed upon me the necessity of being careful of whom I marry, but I am acutely aware of how difficult marriages can get.

Add to this my commitment to living a Godly marriage, with all the requirements of humility and submission that entails for the woman, and you have the makings of a mini-crisis.  Me?  Humble?  Submissive?  WHAT?!  I’ll be the first to admit that my personality fits none of these things.  I have a huge ego and a strong personality, am ridiculously bull-headed, and do not like to be forced to do things especially if I think my way is better.  Of course, I do know how to give in and compromise, but many times I do so grudgingly, soothing my ego with the inner mantra of “I was right anyway.”  None of these factor into a good relationship partner, let alone a wife.

This is why I am thankful for being able to witness, to some extent, the “ordinariness” of Miss May and Sir Jay’s marriage.  By no means do I accuse Miss May of having the same faults I do, but she does have a strong personality (it’s why I love and respect her so much) that reminds me of a (much better) version of my own.  Her ten years of a strong, God-fearing, God-filled marriage, set against the backdrop of a life that I personally find amazing (work-at-home mother, homeschool teacher, blogger, singer, eternal scholar), show me that it is still possible for this twenty-one year old Lonelygirl to become a woman of Christ, ready for all that role entails, including obedience in marriage.  It is possible for any woman, actually, so long as they commit themselves, as I have seen Miss May has, to constant pruning and refining and Lordship in her walk with the Father.

More than just the role of witness, though, I’m also benefitting from being witnessed to.  Miss May has taken her role of discipler very seriously, holding herself accountable for my walk even as she trusts me with a part of hers.  She is quick on the draw to lovingly (emphasis on lovingly) call me out on my behavior, even down to the posts I make on social media–little details in the discipline of learning to submit a life to Christ, guarding my mind and heart against giving in to the things that would make the process harder.  Both she and her husband pray for me, and I’m grateful for that, grateful that this couple is putting a protective “hedge”** around me even as they have put that “hedge” around their marriage, their shared journey with Christ.

So I’m taking this time to honor my mentor and my team leader in their spiritual walk and their marriage.  Here’s to you, Miss May and Sir Jay!  Thank you for your God-fearing example over ten years, and may God continue to bless you with the richness of his ministry in the many many many many many MANY years more to come!



I know I’ve taken time to honor Miss May in this post for her participation in my spiritual walk, but I honestly feel the need to honor my mother too.  Miss May has been helping me as a friend and sister in Christ, but it’s one thing to have a sister, and another thing to have a mother.  My zany mum is another source of wisdom and guidance in my life, and honestly I would not even be thinking like this, about the necessity of surrounding myself with Godly women to mentor me, if it wasn’t for her guidance.  Thank you, Mama.  Love you!

(Even if you’ve stolen Boo Bear.  Mleh.)

** I borrowed the “hedge” illustration from Teach With Joy, the blog of another model of Godly wife- and mother-hood, Joy Mendoza.