Ephemera

Stuff that’s neither here nor there. Stuff that defies categorization, or else was written at too late an hour for me to think about categories.

Birthday Wishlist – Turning 24

Is it a sign of “growing up” that you begin to feel dread about an impending birthday, instead of excitement? That’s where I am right now. Twenty-three felt optimistic, but twenty-four feels like a rubicon that I have no choice but to cross.

The only “good” thing about aging up a year, perhaps, is that I want fewer tangible things. I used to do birthday wishlists every year–long and comprehensive lists of “demands”–but now that I’m able to buy my own stuff…I find myself wanting to want less stuff (please, save me from consumerism and online makeup shopping). Of course, this doesn’t mean I want less–I think wanting is part of human nature–just that the things I do want aren’t necessarily things you can get in a store.

It’s midnight, though, and I’m too sleepy to continue waxing poetic. The following list is a mix of those tangible and intangible wants for my twenty-fourth year. Some can be bought. Some, I suppose, I’ll have to work for.

In no particular order, my birthday wishlist:

  1. To get over my fear of driving. (I’m going to inquire about enrolling at Honda Driving School on March 11th. You all hold me to that.)
  2. To learn to stick to a budget. (No, I don’t actually need that new lipstick/dress/book.)
  3. Anti-Marcos Social Club/Never Again Shirt (Don’t know where you can get the former, but the latter is available from Awear.ph).
  4. “Chubs” green crop box tee. (Can’t remember what online store had this, but it’s an online store. Also, yes, this is Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo fan merch.)
  5. To sit in on a roundtable discussion/mentoring session with a veteran producer and veteran songwriter. (To see what I mean, please see this Buzzfeed video.)
  6. An out-of-town gig. (One for Ellie and The Elephant would be cool, but one for The Elinor Project (w/ Marvs Fabular and Dean Carayag) would be awesome also. Or one for Stories Told, of course.)
  7. To go up to Baguio with Dani, especially when it would be cold.
  8. Pop piano lessons. (As far as I know, The Music School of Ryan Cayabyab offers this. I just need to make time.)
  9. Coco Cabana swimsuit. (Most likely a high-waisted, bra-type bikini set, or else a one-piece. Ideally in black or navy blue.)
  10. Formal guitar lessons.
  11. A Zoom portable recorder (I can’t kidnap AJ’s stuff forever.).
  12. An editorial-style photoshoot. (This one’s frankly self-indulgent, but it was the only thing I wanted for my debut, and I never got a debut…so yeah. Shameless vanity. As if I don’t hold unofficial versions of this every time I figure out a new K-Beauty/J-Beauty trick.)
  13. A Samson condenser mic (or whatever brand Jian/Marvs/Dean would recommend that’s within my budget; the Apogee is okay but it’s not as crisp as I’d like it to be).
  14. To figure out how to use a loop pedal. Or loops in general.
  15. Not to be so scared of growing up.

~aRT~

[outfit post] Out of The Woods

Jacket: H&M Divided
Top: Shilin Night Market
Jeans: Jag

Photography by Kristin Cornejo (@teawithkristin)
Shot at Camp John Hay, Baguio

[poem] This is how a year ends.

This is how a year ends:
Slow.

I watch the seconds slip by,
in almost silence. 
I light no fireworks.

When the last year came in I
ran through streets, 
waved at strangers,
danced with sparklers in both fists
to the rhythm of exploding skies. I

wished for a brighter year, 
a better life. I
am, perhaps, a better self:

beaten, battle-worn, 
maybe wiser. 
Definitely, older.
Definitely, tired.

Maybe a little lighter,
for all that I have lost.

Another year is ending.
I count the seconds, count the cost
of all the hope I offered
on the pyre of the sky:

family turned strangers,
love dissolving into lies
that we will keep on telling,
if only to keep the peace.

I watch the new year enter,
silent, slow; release
a breath I did not know
I’d held back all this time.

Let others loose their noisy hopes.
This year, I’ll whisper mine.

Fin

-0-

Happy new year.