I have been running on fumes.
There, I said it. You know how millennials like to complain of overwork? Well, I was overworked. And it wasn’t because I had a boss who kept working me hard. Or, well, I did. I do.
That boss is me.
I tried out for a lot of things. I wanted all of life now, now, NOW. Even when my body couldn’t take it, I pushed it.
Well tonight, my body collapsed. At twenty-three, after surviving nodes, my voice gave out because I didn’t listen to my body.
I thought it could pull one more miracle.
This is the miracle. The miracle is that I pressing pause. I’m not quitting music, if that’s what you’re thinking. The band and I are basically marriage-level forever (till death do us part), and I couldn’t stop Jian sending me tracks to write for every week, even if I wanted to. But I’m letting myself drop the other ball. Or, well, balls. I was too proud to admit that I couldn’t juggle them all forever.
So yeah, you’ll be seeing less of me. From the girl who was everywhere, I might be…in fewer places. In digital terms, pause ko muna ang remarketing. I need to stop. I need to breathe.
If there’s a reason why tonight had to happen, I’m willing to wait for it.
So that’s what I’m going to do. Wait for it. Regroup. Coat-check my pride, because that was long overdue. I’m going to live the #bumlife, or as bum life as you can get while still working a nine-to-six job (Quit Virus? NOW you’re talking crazy.). No projects unless they’re well and truly mine. No volunteering. No renting out my time and energy for a good, long while.
I am pressing pause. Wearing yourself out, I have discovered, is not a badge of honor. I failed in a huge, dramatic way tonight and it hurts in places other than my throat. I feel like a disappointment. And the person I feel like I’ve let down the most is me.
So I’m going to try and get her trust back, if that’s okay with everyone. Until then, keep your lights on, Gotham.