After six months and four job interviews, I finally sent in my acceptance notice at 10:40 this evening. I won’t say where yet–I’ve decided to keep that to myself until everything is settled. After all, as my mother says; nothing’s final unless you’ve signed something (or, at least, have concrete plans to sign something).
It’s just hit me: this is really real now. The job hunt. The interviews. The various redesigns of the same resumé. In a sense, they’ve all felt like just another school requirement I’ve had to submit…but now reality has sunk in. I’m going to be, effectively, working, balancing an actual, professional life with my radio alter ego, voice therapy (please, Lord, let my boss not mind those four Fridays), thesis, and academics.
To be honest, I’m terrified. All I can think about at this point is that I can’t be good enough for this. No matter if “Marketing Geek” and “Digital Media Storyteller” are printed proudly on the headline of my CV, no matter how much my academic “claim to fame” has been largely as a skilled pitchwoman: a part of me doubts very much how my mettle can stand up to the reality of ad-agency, Mad Men life. I know I’m passionate about what I’m set to be doing. I’ve always believed that passion is a large part of the equation.
…but is it too late to take it all back and lie low and just be a student for a little while longer?
It is, of course, and those of you from the “greater generation” (a.k.a. the Baby Boomers) will perhaps consider this eleventh-hour confession as yet another sign that Generation Y (also known as “Generation Me”, or “The Millenials”) is the worst generation ever—shiftless, indecisive, narcissistic, and perpetually adolescent. I’m sorry if I’m helping perpetuate a stereotype that I believe is grossly exaggerated, if not actually false (okay, fine, it’s not actually false). I just need to be honest, if only for a second.
I started the How To Grow Up series as a means of assuaging my fears, and I mean to continue it, even as I throw myself right into the middle of the fray that is uncertainty. I have made what is likely my first major life decision, bigger than choosing a university or choosing a major, and the novelty of that realization comes with its attendant fears: Did I pray about this enough? Will they regret choosing me? Was I too hasty? I am determined not to add to my generation’s supposed reputation for indecision and lack of constancy–I will stick it out, whatever the consequences–but at the same time I am scared that perhaps I was a fool and rushed in, that things might have been better if I had the benefit of more time.
…But I know things would not have been; there would have only been more time to agonize, to flip-flop, to delay and delay and delay, essentially avoiding taking that step towards maturity that I need–though don’t always want–to take. Like it or not, I am a grown up now, as a Facebook friend commented on one of my anxiety-laden status messages. My time in the schoolroom is nearly over; soon, my decisions will have real-world ramifications. Whether or not I am ready for the responsibility, it is here, and I have to take it.
I don’t think I wish I’d made a different decision, or sent in a different letter. I don’t think I actually want to turn it all back. Reality, for all I’ve bedeviled it in the previous paragraphs, isn’t quite so grim: come November I’ll be working for an awesome agency doing work that I’ve envisioned myself doing for quite some time. And while they call ad agency work “cutthroat” and “vicious” and “dog-eat-dog” a lot of the time…they called radio work the same thing and I’ve never had cause to truly fear. Call me naive, but the future seems to be bright, by all accounts.
I think my only wish is that I could see it. That I could be sure. Back in school, semesters came in predictable cycles, the workload in an organized step-ladder. The “real world”–and I’m rapidly discovering that college is, in fact, not actually the real world, though it can often feel like it–is more chaotic, more difficult, more challenging, scarier. And I’m not prepared for it, don’t think I ever will be. I’m walking into this blind, with only God to guide me, praying that somehow I’m headed for the right kind of somewhere.
I won’t know until I get there, though.
On a lighter note, it’s my two-year WordPress anniversary. Two years ago, I signed up with When In Manila as a blogger, and got a WordPress account as part of the deal. Wow…it’s been such a long time!