[Untitled] Reworked draft of the poem that I wrote for World Poetry Day

Love, lend me your arms
tight, taut, 
muscles thrumming 
under my head
on your chest,
I’m lying,
looking for safety.
Hold me 
in loaned limbs.
The hired hardness 
of your sinew
will be the vice 
that grips me when I can’t be cocksure.
(Quand c‘est tout ce que j’aime.)
It’s all the same. 
I’ll settle
for almost real; almost
like I love you, 
and you love me
enough
and that’s enough.
I’m okay.
You can let go now.
~*~
What bothers me is that my friend Nic said it sounds forced and fake.  For a person who’s supposed to be good at sincerity, this definitely concerns me.
Ugh, I need help.  But then again I have Civ and Accounting and tomorrow’s auditions to worry about. *le sigh*  I’m definitely not done yet with this one.
~ NC
All rights reserved.
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One comment

  1. I gotta say that the third stanza is my favorite. Simple words, profound meaning.

    My primary issue with the piece would be the choppy format. It reads a bit gasp-y. There's a good motif of “temporary” with words like loaned, hired and lend. But it becomes absent in the ending.

    Basically, choppy format with extended length makes it a bit read a little forced. Also wanna thank you because after reading this, I felt like writing this:

    [“Love” lent his arms
    wrapped my chest tight enough
    to stifle the heartbeat long enough
    to let me know it was still there.

    It hadn't gone anywhere.]

    Like

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